What Is Assertiveness?

How many times have you been told “you should be more assertive”?  But does the person giving you this ‘advice’ actually know what it means to be assertive?  One definition of assertiveness is ‘confident and forceful behaviour’, and while this isn’t totally incorrect, this definition in itself has negative connotations, evoking thoughts of aggression and heavy handedness.  So is there a positive spin to assertiveness?

Assertiveness can be seen as a communication tool - a way of clearly stating your position in a situation.  It has none of the aggression of arrogance, as assertiveness doesn’t assume that your position is the right and only way, but it does let others know where you stand.  The necessary element of confidence can make assertiveness an effective communication and leadership style.

So what’s holding you back from being assertive?  Many people shy away from behaviours that they think might result in other people disliking them, or that comes across as rude, or that behaviours that don't show empathy or compassion for other people.  The mistake people can make is confusing assertiveness with arrogance.  An assertive person can be just as open and compassionate as a more passive person, and probably more so as they are not silencing their thoughts to stick to the status quo.  By being more open through assertiveness, it can be possible to experience fewer anxious thoughts, even when under stress. Therefore if you’re not being assertive when you should be, you may need to reframe your mindset about what it means to be assertive.

What is an assertive mindset?

At its core, being assertive is really about knowing what you want and what boundaries you need to set.  This allows you to work towards maintaining self-control. By acknowledging and stating your boundaries, you are less likely to find yourself in situations that are beyond your control.  These of out-of-control situations can lead to feelings of anger and resentment, resulting in an unpleasant environment for everyone and additional stress for you. By framing assertiveness as a positive mind shift to acknowledge and practice, you not only improve the setting for yourself, but also everyone around you.  

50% confidence...

But of course, being assertive doesn’t come naturally to everyone.  Sometimes this is because the confidence necessary to exert publicly what you want might be lacking.  Confidence is a character trait innate to some people, and a skill that others have to learn.  Assertive confidence is calm, and doesn’t seek to upset others.  It doesn’t mean speaking over others or speaking the loudest, but it does mean being certain that your voice deserves to be heard.  To avoid turning assertiveness into a toxic behaviour, it is important to allow others the space to be heard respectfully too.

Assertive confidence mean you value yourself and your rights.  Therefore, part of being assertive is first knowing who you are, where your strengths lie and what is important to you.  You can’t assert yourself without knowing the reasoning behind it.

… 50% vulnerability

Even the most confident person knows that putting yourself out there includes an element of scary vulnerability, and assertiveness is having the courage and confidence to share openly.  To speak up in a meeting to provide a point of view, or share an idea with team members can be nerve-wracking because it exposes you to criticism. But being assertive also requires you to receive feedback openly, because once you’ve stated your position you should expect that your audience will also have something to say.  As mentioned, assertiveness is a communication tool, so expect dialogue in return!

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Assertive confidence mean you value yourself and your rights.

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​how to start being more assertiveness

Use ‘I’ - by stating your thoughts in the first person (“I think, I believe” etc) you can avoid sounding accusatory.  
For example, if you say “I disagree” rather than “you’re wrong” you can open the conversation to be a negotiation and a dialogue, rather than shutting the other person down and making them defensive.

Practice saying ‘no’ - once you understand and set your boundaries, you need to start respecting them yourself.  
This means saying ‘no’ to the things that don’t serve you well, overwhelm you and don’t utilise your strengths.   

Check your body language - you may sound assertive, but slouching makes your body appear small and conveys a different message.
Stand or sit tall. Try to be more open by not crossing your arms over your chest. Make eye contact with your audience to ensure they know that you mean what you say.  

Will other people be happy that you are exercising your assertiveness?  
​Not always, but you also cannot be responsible for others reactions and behaviours. 
By being assertive you are standing up for what you think and know, which sometimes can be the harder option.  

​Do you need to be more assertive in your career?  

​Connect with the Performance Coach  to learn how to present yourself to make a professional impact.  

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